Contemplations

Hum. Lots of stuff rolling around in my turban wrapped skull. I should be combing out my hair so it can dry a bit before bed...but instead, what am I doing? Yep....you got it. This addicting thing called blogging strikes again.

So I've been giving major thoughts to the ol blog design lately. I'm thinking the "technical" look of the mic in my header just doesn't suit me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find the "look" that is totally "ME" but I'm not giving up yet. I've kinda been pondering changing the title of this blog from Random Insanity to Always Faith since that is what is in the address bar anyways (Random Insanity was already taken). Of course, this would still technically be random insanity since you wouldn't expect anything else anyways, but you know, I will always be just little ol me, so Always Faith would be totally appropriate. I dunno. I'm still pondering. I'm also pondering the thoughts of going back to a photo of a flower in my header. I really like the flower photo looks. And you know. Flowers just seem more like "me" than a "mic" (as much as I think the mic looks totally cool). Anywhoo.

Let's see....what else have I been contemplating? I haven't forgotten the thoughts from the marriage "counseling" (or whatever you'd call that) session....but those are pretty deep. I'm not even sure I will be able to get those thoughts out appropriately. We'll see.

I've been thinking about the bouncer who is coming to stay with us on the 18th. I'm not stressing over it (maybe I should be, but I'm really not). We're probably as close to being ready for his arrival as we'll be....or pretty close anyways. I bought a spiderman full size comforter for the bottom bunk today....I think he'll like it.

Oh and I've been in serious wonderings about the munchkin's mom. Who did not show up for the visit today. Who did not call to let them know not to bring the munchkin b/c she wasn't going to show. Who called way after the point that the munchkin (after being highly disappointed and walking outside with the social worker three different times to see if her mommy was coming yet) was returned to the school......to say that she had gone on vacation out of state over the weekend and overslept this morning.
Oh. I seeeee. So what you're saying is, that you told the judge you were getting your license this weekend so you could start looking for a job, you were going to be at the college Monday morning to start classes, AND not only that, but you ALSO wanted to increase your visitations with the munchkin, and then you decided to go on vacation out of state, which caused you to miss the visitation that you DO have with munchkin. And I'm sorry, but where did you find the money to go on the vacation which apparently took place at the same time that you were supposed to be getting your license and looking for a JOB? I'm assuming you missed those classes you were supposed to start this morning, too? Nice. How very responsible of you.
Sorry for that little vent, but ugh. It's hard to try to understand BM's side of it when I see how hard it is on the kiddo. The poor munchkin. They said she behaved all day today at school, which I'm kinda surprised but then again not....I have some theories on that, but too much to go into now. When she got home tonight, she wanted love so bad....much more than usual. I felt so sorry for her b/c I knew why. I just held her for awhile, cuddled her and kissed her, and told her over and over how much I loved her and how much daddy loved her and she just ate it up. Normally the only time she's really that way for more than a few seconds at a time is at bedtime. It just broke my heart. She was soo pitiful. I wish her mom would make up her mind what she is going to do. I feel almost as pulled as the munchkin must feel. It seems like she's going to try and I want her to make it work, but then she'll do something like this and I'll just dread the thought of the munchkin going back to a home where mom isn't going to grow up and take responsibility.

I don't know. I just really don't know.

I also had really weird dreams last night. I should have wrote them down while they were fresh cuz they were REALLY weird. Maybe even the weirdest yet. At one point in one of my dreams, we were at some kind of campground like the church campmeetings with all the church peoples that we know, only they were real tents like those screened in kind that don't have floors.....and our tent only had some stiff yucky spots of grass and dirt on the floor and it was really uncomfortable because everyone was sitting and sleeping on the ground. Our tent was full of a bunch of our friends from years ago and had it not been for the fact that munchkin was with us, I'd have thought I was dreaming about the past. Anyways, this other man (who happens to be a preacher that I have mixed feelings about in regards to his actions and past messages) was in this tent that had really soft grass all the way through it, with a bunch of other people and preachers. For some reason we had to leave and I'm following KC and carrying the munchkin and we have to walk through that preacher guy's tent to get out and all of his friends are all around and I stop in front of the preacher guy and kneel down in front of him and ask his forgiveness b/c I coveted his grass and had hard feelings toward him about it. He laughed it off like I was crazy and I don't remember much of the rest of the dream, but I remember getting the impression that he was saying he deserved the better grass b/c he was better and me thinking that it doesn't matter how wrong his attitude might be, I still needed to keep the right spirit and not covet his grass. I guess that was the end of the dream cuz I don't remember anything else in regards to that setting.....it was very strange. Very. I had other strange dreams, too.

Must have been the cough medicine I took last night. I think I'm going to have to take it again tonight, too, although it doesn't seem to be making me any better.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon. Maybe he can give me something to make me feel better. Or at least tell me what is up with this sore throat that has nagged at me for a week now. I guess it could be my allergies....my medicine ran out a couple of weeks ago and I haven't had a chance to run it by the drugstore for a refill. I have a funny feeling that might be it.....I didn't seem to need it, so I thought maybe I'd be okay without getting it filled again, but now it looks like I may have been wrong.

Well...this is a lot of blah blah about nothing really, so I should think about heading to bed now. I thought there was one more thing I was going to say, but I don't remember what it was now, so I guess I'll go.

Oh wait. I just remembered it.

This morning a very weird thing happened as I was dropping the munchkin off for school. I pulled into the school parking lot as another car, that I didn't recognize as one that was usually dropping off kids or coming to work, pulled in and parked off to the side of the parking lot. It was an older model crown victoria that looked way beat up and had dark windows. I thought it was kinda strange as I walked around and got the munchkin out and took her into the school. I got her signed in and dropped her with the teacher and back out within about 3 minutes and by the time I got back out, the car was gone. No one ever got out, no one ever got in. It was like they just pulled up, watched me go in the school with munchkin and then left. It was very weird. Especially since I have heard that the munchkin's bio mom and grandmom have moved again.....this time into the district where we are.....kinda feels too close for comfort. I called the teacher as I was driving on to work to have her keep her eyes out and I plan to report it to DSS, too.....JUST in case. Ya can't be too careful. I can just see BM being the type of person to pick her up and run.

Anywhoo....I'm going to take some cough medicine now.

Later.