Great Expectations

"This is my One True Wish

If you had asked me 3 years ago, I would have instantly replied, "a new car," "money," "a bigger house," but now my answer has changed. I no longer care about the new car, the bigger house, or even the money. I want a baby. I don't care if it's a he or a she. I don't care what it looks like. I want the aches and pains. I want to be fat and bloated. I want morning sickness. I want the crazy ups and downs of pregnancy hormones. I want to be moody and grouchy and hot all the time. As crazy as it sounds, especially coming from me, I want to go through hours of labor. I want to feel the pain. I want to want pickles with my ice cream. I want to shop for someone other than me. I want to spend my money on diapers and formula. I want people to stop assuming we hate children because we don't have any after 9 years of marriage. I want them to stop treating me weird once they find out why. I don't want them to hide their pregnancies from me. I'm not going to freak out. I don't want to hear, "You are so lucky you don't have kids." We aren't lucky. I don't want to hear another person say, "I hate having to drop everything every 3 hours to feed a crying baby." Do they not understand that I would give anything to be in their place? I want to do 2 a.m. feedings. I want to go to work tired because I was rocking a fussy baby all night. I want to give up my "me" time. I want to have to take super fast showers. I want to learn to do everything one-handed. I want to eat with a baby in my lap. I want a reason to give up my Trans-Am. I want to have a reason to drive slower and eat healthier. I want the doctors to stop saying, We can't find anything wrong. Just give it some more time. I'm tired of being disappointed month after month. I'm tired of being obsessed with numbers and dates and temperatures. I'm tired of trying to be happy for everyone that accidentally gets pregnant. I'm tired of just being "Aunt Brandi." I want something more. Is it too much to ask?"

Journaling by Brandi Pitts
Published in Simple Scrapbooks - May/June 2006 on page 67

*NoTe: according to the magazine, Brandi's first child is due this month*

Wow. Do you ever have moments where you read something and it hits so close to home that it hurts? This article was one of those moments for me. Change a few of the details and it's not only my story, but it's all the feelings that go along with it. I don't know who this Brandi is, but she summed it all up very nicely and I can totally relate. Is it okay to scrap-lift journaling? I don't submit pages for publication, it would just be for my personal album, but I love how she put all the struggles of infertility into words.

Actually, I really enjoyed that whole article (Write from the Heart). It's a scrapbook article, but the writing can go for anything...this blog, a journal, whatever. It's really hard to do that though...we get so used to hiding how we feel that it's hard to put those hidden feelings into words. Especially when we're hiding them for a reason; maybe because we're afraid of what people would think of us if we revealed our true and honest thoughts, maybe because they are negative or wrong, but it all boils down to...at least for me...fear of what people would think if I said things out loud. Ah, but that's why I have you, dear blog.

So, if you know me personally, could you please stop reading here so that I can type out all my honest secret feelings? ROFL!!! RIGHT. Like, that was a dumb question...like you could stop reading after a statement like that. Okay, so I couldn't if I were reading someone else's blog (even though I might try...MIGHT...hey I'm being honest here). Okay...we'll make a deal...you can keep reading IF: #1 You don't get even the least bit offended at anything I might spew out and #2 You don't think I'm a terrible person...

Well, after all that, I still don't know that I could be completely forthright about my innermost thoughts right now, b/c I know that somebody would get offended. Maybe I'll just change the subject. Hum. What else besides...you know...my secret thoughts...could I write from the heart about...

Thinking...thinking........

I'm so not good at this. Most of my deep feelings are more like vents and I'm sure there is a psychological problem behind that...suppressed anger maybe? I really don't want to vent today. I'm digging for some hidden feelings that don't require capital letters or exclamation points to get out. *GRIN*

Okay...previous rules still apply if you're gonna keep reading.

Have you ever felt like a huge failure? Like you were sure if God was saying anything to you at all, He'd be saying, "You need to get your act together." Like most of the time you feel like He's just watching from a distance to see what kind of trouble you're gonna get into. And like the distance isn't Him, it's you, but despite all efforts to resolve the situation, you can't quite seem to get there, regardless of how many times you've asked Him for help. And in the middle of it all, there's a fear that He doesn't want you any closer because you're such an awful person and nothing you do will ever change that. Like you're just living the life you're supposed to live, being the person that, according to the Bible, God wants you to be, but somehow, it's just not good enough. And not only that, you'll never be good enough.

This is me. I'm struggling. Not to do the right thing, b/c I dont have any problem doing that (not that I'm perfect, but I do learn from my mistakes), but with inner things. Something doesn't fit. Why? What am I doing wrong? Why do I feel like no matter what I do that something is out of place in this picture? I feel like if I dig deep enough, there is something down there but there is a huge fear of finding it and not being able to work through it. Something under the surface is threatening to drown me and I don't know what to do about it. If I knew for sure what it was, maybe I could face it, but I have too many demons in my past to want to go digging up things that I've buried. I'm not sure whose expectations of me are greater, mine or God's. If I knew that mine were greater than God's, I'd lower mine so that I could have some peace, but I'm afraid to do that for fear that His are greater than mine and I'll never reach them.

I've heard that writing things down helps. I hope this is true. I don't see how people can say that a true Christian never struggles. I know what I am and I know what I want to be, but it only makes sense to say that if you're not struggling with Satan, he's already got ya, so I guess this means that I'm still in the battle. I will get through this. I will go on.

Everything's gonna be alright
The night's almost over
The sun is gonna shine again
When the morning comes
And everything's gonna be alright
Victory is on the way
I'm gonna lean on Jesus
And everything's gonna be alright.

Later.